The return of Scuba Susie?

Yesterday I had my first dive in 8 years and my first dive with Andy. Emotionally I’m conflicted.

Diving took up most of my life for several years. Every weekend and every holiday was spent diving and I had some amazing experiences. Like most things I do I threw myself into it 100% .. and maybe took it a step too far. I saw gigantic stallictights in the prehistoric great blue hole in Belize; I dived through cargo holds of the SS Thislegorm which sits at the bottom of the Red Sea since it was torpedoed in WW2; I watched giant cuttlefish orgys through a narcosis haze; I dived in caves and wrecks, with sharks and dolphins, in 50m visibility and in 5cm visibility. I mixed gases, took ponys, shot buoys, spent too long hanging off a dive line and often resorted to plan B, C or D when things didn’t go to plan… and have the scars to prove it. Andy will now be rolling his eyes saying ‘yeah yeah you’re awesome we know’, but I say this because all of these experiences were awesome and all were scary. I am scared of the ocean and I think if you aren’t then maybe you don’t quite understand. “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”

Yesterday’s dive brought back memories. I miss the adventure, the fun, the comradery of the group of mates I dived with, but I don’t miss the exhaustion, the long days, the worry when your buddy is less experienced, and the sleepless nights analysing how you’re still here after something went wrong.

I’m not sure if I’ll keep diving, but I could get used to these 30/30 dives 🙂

9/2/19

Scuba Susie, Fish rock cave, 2006

Blood, sweat and tears

3 months ago I hadn’t run for many years. In 3 days, 13 hours and 58 minutes (don’t you love those count down clocks) I will be trying to run a marathon.
It’s so easy to post photos on social media that only show the highlights; not the blood, the liters of sweat and the tears. Here’s one now:

 

Some runs make you feel invincible, some runs make you feel defeated, every run makes you stronger.

My last long training run made me feel defeated. Here’s a breakdown of my internal thoughts:
0km: 0:00 Out of breath and sore, “Am I running right? This feels really uncoordinated… Is this how my arms usually swing?”
5km: 0:32 Sunrise over the city and settled into a rhythm, “This is such a beautiful sunrise!”
10km: 1:07 Eating my first Caramello Koala, (chemical power gels can go to hell) while watching hot air balloons over the lake “Wow, this is great!”
15km: 1:41 Halfway – My shirt is chafing under my arms and I’m getting over it “This is hard… ”
20km: 2:22 Another Caramello and a short recovery walk.
21km: 2:30 A sharp pain in my knee (my good knee) and I was walking again, then I was crying. Not quite sure why but it all seemed like too much. “Why am I doing this? Can I back out now? There is no way I can finish this race in the time given. They will close the race and I’ll get a DNF.”
22km: 2:40 Alternating between walking and running, crying again when a sad song came on.
2:58 Another Caramello.
25km: 3:10 Running again “Only 5km to go!”
3:25 “This isn’t so bad, maybe I can keep going”
30km: 3:44 Home, carbs, ice bath and a 1hour nap/pass-out.

I started training 3 months ago. I’ve endured hypoglycemic crashes, open wounds from rubbing, blisters than haven’t healed since January and getting lost more than once. I had no idea about fueling for long distances or training plans.. and honestly, I still don’t. But it’s all too late for that now.

So here’s my plan:

• Between now and the race eat lots of carbs (for the record: beer is a carb)
• Give the marathon a go
• Plan A: Don’t seriously hurt myself
• Plan B: Finish within the 7 hours
• Plan C: Finish the distance no matter how long it takes
• Eat lots of everything after the race

But even if the running isn’t a success, the fundraising has been, $1,863 raised thanks to my amazing friends and family!  https://runningfestival2016.everydayhero.com/au/cos-and-the-big-3-0

10 things no-one tells you about running

Ten things you only find out by actually running – Welcome to the wonderfully glamorous world of long distance running

Running in Canberra isn’t so bad after-all

1. You will eat bugs
   – Sure enough on that peaceful sunset run next to a nice lake/river you will encounter a hoard of bugs that seem intent on kamikaze flight paths into your mouth/up your nose. Breathing being an essential part of running will aid their plight and you will spend the next thirty seconds snorting, coughing and trying to eject the little bastard from your nasal cavity. Embrace it as a source of protein.
2. Your feet will lose all feeling
   – Blisters than don’t heal for months, losing toenails and finding out several days later that the little rock that went into your shoe apparently worked a hole in your heel and now has a healthy fresh layer of skin covering it. It will be gross, but your feet will become an asset defined by their utility. They get me from A to B. Their maintenance is important to keep them working, but not their looks or feelings.
3. There will be gas
   – both ends. If you’re lucky it will just be gas… The most inspirational athlete I’ve seen speak is Kurt Fearnley. My favourite anecdote was from when he was defending his title at the New York marathon and shat himself at the 32km mark. With over ten km to go, he went on to win gold.
4. Ice baths/cold showers will become your friend and compression socks work
   – I don’t know how, but wear then if you want to walk normally tomorrow. Ditto the ice bath.
5. Chafing is an issue
   – prepare yourself for weeping sores that don’t seem to heal, created from next to nothing. You will gain a whole new appreciation for seam free everything and bepanthen.
6. It will increase your flexibility
   – OK so the next day after a long run you won’t feel flexible, you will wake up feeling like an 80 year old who has spent the last 60 years living a box – but after a few weeks of training you will realise that somehow touching your toes is much easier that it ever was. Take the jagged yoga pill after your run and you will get serious rewards.
7. It will increase your creative thoughts/philosophical ponderings
   – many great writers/comics/philosophers credit long distance running to developing and fostering new ideas. Maybe its the increased blood flow that opens your mind?
8. You will be starving
   – all the time. Thoughts of food will consume your day and when you do eat, you will be insatiable. But that’s ok cause you just ran 20km, dig in! Enjoy those carbs, you’ve earnt it!
9. It is really time consuming
   – “back in a tic, just gotta do this 20km easy-slow” said no one ever.
10. It will teach you more about self-control, who you are, and what you are capable of than any self-help book ever will.
    –  You’ve heard the adage “your body is capable of doing anything your mind tells it to” well actually it’s capable of much more. During standard strength tests in the 60’s scientists found that when subjected to loud sudden noises people could express much more force than by sheer will-power alone. (http://jap.physiology.org/content/16/1/157) This has been shown time and time again through studies and anecdotal evidence (‘Mum lifts car off her toddler’ etc. etc.).
    As for running long distances, train the mind first, everything else is details; or as Kurt Fearnley puts it: “Your body is an idiot. It will listen I anything you tell it.” So why not tell it to run a marathon?

Donate here: https://runningfestival2016.everydayhero.com/au/cos-and-the-big-3-0

Why all the running?

I spend a lot of time while running, thinking about why I run.
In a nutshell; its because I can.

I know I’m lucky to have legs that work, that can take me where ever I want to go. They may not be fast or particularly coordinated, but they work.
For that I am really grateful.
There may be a time in my life where they stop working, or won’t take me as far, but for now I choose to celebrate by climbing mountains, running in circles around lake Burley Griffin and wearing way too much pink.

I sign up for these things because I want to know that I can do them, and dare I say I often enjoy it. But not all the time.

The first half-an-hour of running is shit. I hate it. My legs beg me to stop, they protest by being more uncoordinated than usual; my mind screams at me to go home, watch tv, eat some ice cream, bacon, chocolate fudge, – heck you can have all three together just stop running!
But then something happens… I let go. I plod along looking at the trees, the birds, the little bunny rabbits, thinking about nothing in particular, smiling at people and enjoying the moment. I stop thinking about work, recovery methods, my training plan, my time/speed/distance and let my mind wander.

Let go and all suffering will cease.
I always struggled with this Buddhist concept but running has helped. I think the Oatmeal sums up the journey to running Nirvana the best with his Blergh comic: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running

Enjoying the journey

Each morning I take the train to work. It takes about an hour, including a 20min walk to the station. I don’t mind the journey. The route is actually the historic “may flower” line, which joins the oldest recorded town in Britain to the construction site of the largest offshore wind farm (my office.)
Every morning and afternoon I see the green rolling hills of the English countryside. Rabbits, pheasants, cows, sheep and the odd fox graze and hunt next to the line. The harbour, scattered with yachts is always tranquil. And did I mention the free Metro paper?
But more than the daily gossip or picturesque views is the time I reclaim as my own. I am on a journey to a destination and for that reason my internal task master is quenched. Finally she gives me time to think, to listen to music, gaze at the views or simply ponder the existence of the world.
I enjoy the journey irrelevant of the destination.

How often do we enjoy the journey itself?
Do we relish the journey with study, relationships or a career? Or are we so focused on the destination that the mandatory “travel time” is seen as a nuisance or a waste of time?
It is interesting to think how much of our lives is in a state of flux. If we do not see the journey as an essential part of the process, as essential as the destination itself, and try to block it out, it will surely dim the sweet reward of reaching our destination.

Every exam makes the graduation more of an accomplishment.

Every step of the Inca trail made the views that little bit more incredible.
Every tear between Adam and I makes our smiles that bit sweeter.

 

July2011

Guatemalan Shanty towns

We were cramped but we were all onboard and we were off.
Guatemalan van transport leaves much to be desired. Such as circulation in my legs… 9 adults, 9 backpacks, 10 day bags, 1 child and 2 surfboards all crammed into one minivan. Thankfully we only had 2 hours from Guatemala city to Antigua.

I watched the city roll past. Mercedes dealers and high rise apartments melted into fast food chains and mega malls, which then turned to slums and shanty towns.

I’ve always been fascinated by these communities. Walls of tin, branches, signs, car doors, bonnets, plastic tarps (anything they can get their hands on) are all held together with wire and rope, propped up against the next and so on to create a community. Smoke and steam wafting out from fires between the alleys.
I pictured the mothers that would have been cooking rice and beans on these small fires. Using the ingredients sparingly to feed their extended family. Perhaps when good fortune smiled on the family they would add a small amount of chicken or egg…

The town was perched delicately on the edge of a ravine. I couldn’t imagine what it would be like to live like that in this arid climate. Temperatures reach over 30 degrees consistently throughout the year. During the wet season monsoon rains drench the city daily, which would run torrents down through the ravine. And at night it would get surprisingly cold. Living in a tin shack would be almost unbearable… if you knew anything else to compare it too.

I remember as a child, our home was without air conditioning. During a hot Australian summer, when temps would reach 40 degrees, we would go swim at the beach or the pool. My friends would exclaim, “how do you live without air conditioning! I couldn’t do it.”
I still haven’t ever had an air conditioner. It is not something that I view as essential. Perhaps because I don’t know what I’m missing, or maybe I’m just a stubborn environmentalist.

The comparison between living in a tin shack in the tropics and the home that I grew up in is stark. It makes me want to share my childhood with these kids, to swap my life for theirs to give them a brief experience of my good fortune…. But would showing them what they’re missing out on, changing their perspective, make it harder for them to enjoy their life? If I lived in a mansion for a week would it make me less appreciative of my current lifestyle? It did with Homer when he house sat for Mr Burns….

The shanty towns melted away as we wearily wound up the soft hills of the countryside and over to Antigua.

 August 2011

Good bye Timor

As soon as the door closed the tears started. Big fat droplets during the safety brief merged into hiccups and sobs as we taxied down the runway. It was official, I was leaving Timor Leste.

I was crying for the same reason I cried when I left Australia 6 months ago, bound for Timor. I loved my life here and would miss my friends dearly. The irony wasn’t lost on me, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

I was also crying because there is so much more I could be doing to make the world a fairer place. It’s not fair that I can get on a plane and fly away to a “privileged life”. What gives me that right?
My mother was always careful to be completely fair between my brother and I. She would spend equal amounts on our Christmas presents, we would receive equal amounts of pocket-money and we would get equal scoops of ice-cream. I took that philosophy on-board. When I feed seagulls at the beach, I tear the chips into little pieces and throw them all at once, so every seagull gets a chip! But the world isn’t like that. Not everyone gets a chip. Perhaps my mother would have better prepared me for the realities of life by beating me with a stick while feeding my brother ice-cream.

The jets drowned out my sobs as I watched the little island I called home get smaller and smaller beneath me.

July 2015

Fluid Freedom

Flying away, away from my family, my friends, my partner and my comfortable life. As the distance grows, the hours pass by and the white culture that is my own disappears to something more exotic, a sense of calm grows over me. The stresses of suburbia, the pressures of how things should be, of expectations and assumptions; they give way to something else. I’m the exception here, the sore thumb, the one who doesn’t quite fit in… who never will, and it’s liberating. There is no conformity to abide to as I just cannot, it simply isn’t possible. My personality changes between my own, their assumption of how a ‘westerner’ should be, and their own culture. I can move between places, change my accent, my story, chose how much to say, what to withhold, or simply not say anything and glide by undetected, unnoticed, watching from afar.

I’m still tarred by my own brush, but here the black doesn’t seem as thick. The ‘shoulds’ aren’t as loud and its much easier to say ‘when I get home’. Funny that the ones you love, those in your most treasured memories are also those that cause the most stress, the most hurt and the greatest pressure to conform.

Everyone should, at some point in their life, travel by themselves; free from assumptions and expectations, to somewhere completely different, away from your own culture, your own kin and your own predispositions. Venture away from everyone and everything, into yourself and discover the calm within.

April 2015

I’m not comfortable unless I’m uncomfortable

I had a fantastic weekend pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

I snorkelled where crocodiles have been seen, I got air on a motocross jump and I free climbed a rock face.

Anyone who knows me, knows I’m a little clumsy. It has often been suggested that I should put bubble wrap on my furniture edges so I’ll stop bruising myself. In short, coordination is not my strength.

 

So why then do I push myself to do things that may result in death if my clumsiness prevails?

When George Mallory was asked why he wanted to climb Everest he said “because it’s there” … and that is a factor. (“Wow, look at that jump, I should bring my bike here!”) But for me, its because I want to know that I can do it.

 

The fear lets me know I’m on the edge of my skill set (if not totally beyond) but that’s not a good reason to stop. We have so many limitations placed on us we don’t need more from ourselves. How do you learn and grow as a person if you don’t challenge yourself, push yourself further each time?

 

For me, bravery isn’t about feeling no fear, it’s being scared shitless and doing it anyway. It’s jumping into the black water for a night dive, choosing to go down the double black diamond ski-run over the green, letting go of the plane or pushing yourself deeper when your lungs are screaming for air. When you are in control of whether you live or die, that’s when you discover who you are and what your really capable of.
And besides, it’s bloody good fun!

 

 

“What we get from this adventure is just sheer joy. And joy is, after all, the end of life. We do not live to eat and make money. We eat and make money to be able to enjoy life. That is what life means and what life is for.”  – George Mallory

 

It takes a strong man…

I am incredibly grateful to be in a loving relationship with a strong man. Not a beefed up narcissist, but a guy who supports and encourages me to live my own life and follow my own dreams.

It is incredibly easy for a partner to dissuade you from doing anything, from eating that second helping to buying a motorbike. You respect and value their opinion. Conversely it is often hard to bite your tongue or consider your partners thoughts/feelings/best interests before giving your own opinion. This is especially true when their aspirations may change your life; be it your location, combined income, social standing, or time together, it can be scary. Often our first reaction to change is ‘no, it can’t be done,’ which is why when you have two strong minded, independent people in a relationship it can be volatile.

My partner respect me, values my opinion and encourages me to follow my dreams and aspirations. I’m sure it isn’t easy for him to do this, but he has done so consistently. When I asked if he thought I should go to Timor he said “Is it what you want to do? Does it feel right?” When I replied it was and it did, “then do it.” When I asked if I was being stupid for continuing to climb Mt Kilimanjaro with altitude sickness he replied “you’ll regret it if you give up now.” He encourages me to follow my dreams, believe in myself and always supports me to do so. That is what makes him a strong man and it makes me lucky to be in his life.

14/02/15